"sometimes, it's easier to pretend you don't care than to admit that it's killing you."

Isn't it amazing how you can keep so much bottled up inside, and you can walk around and nobody has any idea. its gone on way too long. all year its been like this. at first i didn't really care, it was some little thing i knew i would get over soon. then, as time went on seeing you was great, but then seeing the two of you wasn't great - it was horrible. stupidly, i would cry. cry cry cry. it's only now i realise that tears do nothing. sure, at the time it feels good, just letting it all out. but when its over, all you're left with are puffy eyes and a heavy heart. it was then that i realised that it was time to just let it go, leave it alone, walk away. but, with absolutely no idea why, i couldn't. i just couldn't. and thattt, is what hurts the most. knowing that i should just freakin get over it, thinking that i am over it then, seeing you; just a glance of you and all the feelings just start flooding back. damn, i really thought i had it this time.

eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high stops feeling good and starts to hurt. they say if you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. but how do you know when you're there? because no matter how badly something hurts us, sometimes, letting go hurts even more.

& so the cycle goes on. 2 weeks without seeing you, without thinking about you and without (kinda) talking to you. its like you don't exist. its like for those 14 days i am back to my normal self, i've forgotten about you. then school starts again. baaammmmm. here we go again.

dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. it's like you're always close enough to touch but never close enough to hold. and it's enough to break your heart. Sometimes all you can do is not think about it. not think about anything. not wonder, not obsess. not imagine, just breathe. breathe in, breathe out. everything works out in the end, and the more you worry about it the longer it's going to take for things to end perfectly.

so what's worse than getting upset everytime you see that someone special with someone else? for me, it's NOT getting upset seeing them together. it's not caring at all, when you know she's all he wants. it's when you don't mind seeing them together, as long as you get to see him. it's that hope that when they walk by maybe he sees you when obviously all he sees is her. that, is worse.

i hate holding onto you, and crying because i know eventually i'm going to have to let you go. i hate feeling this way. i hate being so helpless over this situation. i hate that you cant just give me your heart and trust that i wont break it, but most of all i hate that i gave you mine, knowing you couldn't love me back..

"And it's hard to watch things change when all you want for them is to stay the same. It's funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It's crazy when you want to let go but you keep holding on and when you want to move on but you're stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don't know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad but all you can do is push them farther and farther away. It's so hard to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realize that things are different and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it's not worth it but if it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it."

i really really love this. i found it on my comp and i know i've already posted this before but its just so .. yeahh.

along the way, i’ve learned that you can't let anyone in too far and you can't trust endlessly. the biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you're broken, you'll never be fully fixed.

people say holding on is the best way to run away from the reality. and i agree. but you can only run away for so long. after a while it gets ..simply, unbearable. after a while you wonder why it is you've held on for so long when it's been tearing you apart. you can only pretend for so long. so i guess its time to face reality. time to stop holding on and finally ... Let go.

Labels: miscellaneous, stuff