so hard to get you outta my system.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008 @ 2:20 PM

"it's okay to want someone you can't have. it's okay to keep friendships when you don't want them, or when you want something more. it's okay to cry when you're hurt, and it's okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. believe it or not, it's always gonna be okay. that's just how it works. sometimes, things don't always work out the way you want them to and a lot of times, it seems like they never will. but it's okay, that's how life's supposed to be. it's all about learning how to deal with the bumpy parts in the road and waiting 'til they're smooth again. it's all about forgiving and forgetting. it's all about waiting and wishing. that's just how life is."
And so maybe i'm scared, scared because i feel more for you than i think i've ever felt for anyone else before. I'm scared because i know you don't feel the same, and i don't ever want you to find out because then things will be even worse than they are now. I'm scared to lose you, but i'm scared of getting more broken than i am right now. i'm scared. Everytime I want to give up on you, there's always something inside telling me to just give it some time.
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, than you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.
When I see you together, my heart falls. And it's not because I hate her or because she doesn't deserve you. It's because I've always told you that you deserve the best, and now I'm afraid that you've found it. And the worst part is, I'm crazy about you. It hurts. it hurts not knowing what to do. i sit and wonder all the time, what is so good about you? why do i care so much? what the hell is wrong with me? I'm trying my best to forget about you. Believe me, it's not working out. You've got something about you that makes me want you more. I'm sick to my stomach once again, I keep remembering that I'm just your friend.
There are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept, things we don't want know but have to learn, and people people we don't want to lose but have to let go.
You're like a monkey bar and I held on. It was fun at first just hanging there, feet far off the ground, but then I started to get blisters, and my hands they started to sweat, and I started to slip, but I continued to hold on, adjusting my hands to make them stay, but eventually I figured out that it really was time to let go.
There is a certain point in life where you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. but it's not giving up, it's realizing you don't need certain people and the crap they bring to your life. i don't know where i'm going to end up, but i know that i'm not going to waste my time figuring that out, or i'll miss where i am now.
It's like a routine. I fall for you on Monday. I like you from Tuesday to Thursday. You make me mad on Friday. I think I'm over you over the weekend. But the second I see you on Monday morning, I fall for you again & again. and i can't take it anymore. thank god for holidays, lol.
I miss the days when boys had cooties and recess was too short. Life was too long & decisions were chose by "eni, mini, miney, moe". Only skinned knees brought tears & boys were yucky. Good bye only meant until tomorrow. When your clothes didn't need to match & the only races issues were who ran faster.
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oh my god.
i dont know why this is upsetting me so much, but it is. i don't know why, but i keep re-reading it all, over and over and over again. and the more i read it the more angrier i get.. the more i ball up my fists. tighter and tighter and tighter. goddamnit do you think that writing all that was the best thing to do? cause i dunno. maybe i'm just being a bitch but i dont think it was. for some reason it hurt reading that. no matter how many times i read it, it hurt. and it made me feel angry and sad and yeah i'll admit it, jealous. nice work there. nice. maybe you should think about things before you do them. but then again maybe i'm just overreacting. i admit i do that alot.
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