lol new layout :) i changed it cos i probably won't be active blog-wise because of exams coming up in 3 weeks ish. in the holidays i will be busy at super-duper-study-town so i probably won't be blogging. i full made up a study schedule and everything. but somehow i have a feeling i won't end up doing it D: lets hope i do, i really need to do well with yearlies seeing as i absolutely screwed half-yearlies.. so wish me luck with my studies! :(
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i can count a thousand times that you made me cry a thousand tears you never cried. now all i have left for you is a thousand goodbyes.
a thousand goodbyes - travis (of nlt)

Je pense que je t'aime.

Okay, so lets clear things up. I'm not sad and i'm really not depressed. I just want something so bad that it hurts. It really hurts; so bad, wanting something I know will never happen. Wanting someone i know will never have. & its slowly killing me, from the inside out.

So this is when we finally learn the real meaning of change. You do the things you used to be against, you befriend the people you used to hate. You'll learn what it's like to have your heart broken, to lose a friend that truly meant something to you, and to feel as if everything is really falling apart. Maybe this is just what growing up is. maybe we should get used to this.

You see these shaking hands, this breaking heart? I'm scared. So what. So what if i'm scared. Maybe its because you mean more to me than anyone else right now. But you shouldn't. You shouldn't mean a thing to me, yet you do. Did you ever realise? Does it even matter anyway? Do you even care? It hurts saying this. It hurts. Because i know the answer to everything i've said is a big fat No. Look what you've done.

Its difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded, but I see through it all and see you. You don’t see me. You don’t see me at all.

I feel like i'm on that one ride at the fairs. The ones that you sit in & they spin you. Those lazy people, that can sit there and take the spinning lightly, let the ride do the work. But then theres people like me that choose to take hold of the wheel in the middle, & spin it harder & harder, faster & faster. They keep going until they're green in the face, so dizzy & exhausted they can't stand. I keep spinning this damn ride, making it harder on myself than I should, But I don't know how to stop. I wish I could just sit back & "go with the flow." But I can't, I just dont know how. I cannot wait til someone or something just grabs me, just grips me up & makes all of it come to a hault. I can just imagine how great that will be. The whole world will still be spinning, but i'll know that I'm standing still, I'll know the ride is over, I'll know I'm alright.

i know i'm not easy to understand. i know i keep a lot inside, and i know i'm not the easiest person to read. but that's okay you know, because even though there's a lot about me you'll never know- there's a lot more of me you can learn to love.

Remember when truth or dare consisted of licking the floor & the only holding hands you did was with your friends? When "getting some" meant stealing from the cookie jar, and boys didn't matter because they had cooties. Yeah, those were the days. I wish boys still had cooties.

All I'd ever wanted was to forget. But even when I thought I had, pieces had kept emerging. Like bits of wood floating up to the surface that only hint at the shipwreck below. A blue shirt, a rhyme with my name. Because that's what happens when you try to run from the past. It doesn't catch up, it overtakes. Blotting out the future, the landscape, even the very sky, until there's no path left except that which leads through it. The only path that can ever get you home

You know I used to spend every day thinking about you and dreaming about you, and every time you walked by I lost myself, do you know what that feels like? You couldn’t possibly know what it feels like to have that person not having the same feelings back.

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break, one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.

Do you ever get that feeling where you don't wanna talk to anybody? You don't wanna smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isn't anyone who won't take 'I don't know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just Because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait. Wait for it to pass.

People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is gonna take away all the hurt and all the pain.. Well I've tried that. I've tried hiding my sorrows, and covering the sadness in my smile. and what i've learned is when it hurts this much inside, your heart always has a way of showing it, no matter how many masks you wear.

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